Every Ending Is A New Beginning

In the midst of being pulled away from Sunday ministry and serving in the church after several years, God was also speaking to me about focusing on ministry outside the four walls of a church building, prompting me for intercession for specific places/countries and preparing me for the assignment's on the brink of horizon.

I was standing at the tail-end of relationships (all the way) changing and rearranging my sleep patterns and He was still speaking on the same matters - even as I was not serving. By sleeping patterns I mean actually getting sleep (lol). Sidenote: Ya'll! have you tried sleep? My gosh does it do wonders to your brain functionality, mood and effectiveness. Like, you never know what you need until you've found it. ha. Some of us are missing out on being effective because we’re too caught up in the hustle. Ahem. Anyway.

And so as He did, I started to feel a deepened desire to stir up what God had called me to do and be in the church, to now be and do outside the typical four walls of a church building. I may get eyerolls for this but most of us are too busy exhausting ourselves trying to prove our anointing and our gifting to those who are already saved, rather than using that energy to ask God to use that anointing and gifting in uncommon places, unreached circle groups and beyond the people who can confirm what's in us. We become so engulfed in acceptance in the church rather than extending ourselves for those outside the church. But that's a whole different conversation for another day.

But what I love about seeing the light at the horizon, is being able to stand in reflection of the fight He fought and the battle God already won for you so you are forever winning.

Because let me rewind for a second: a year previous and a year after Table Talks launched, I had just got off the plane back to San Diego from Jamaica, when I was caught off guard by persecution (which is not the same as hatred by your enemies) and fighting pressure from excessive accusations. This should have been the season that took me out and left me out to dry thereafter. But the power in our YES GOD changes things and enables us to fight with the same weapons but differently. Not because of me but because God can do what He wills with my YES GOD. That actually became the very thing God used to show me His restoring and redemptive power, and also the true ripple effect of forgiveness.

And then I started seeing God change my circles and put me in spaces to see things differently. I started to see the lack of dialogue on real-life struggles and womanhood two years ago, and I began to start seeing myself in spaces that validated this revelation. I was in the middle of questions about the authority over a woman's hormones because let's be real... "the monthly" is real life. I started noticing the expectations of perfect relationships within the church, begin to crumble as betrayal is still a real thing. I was witnessing people question the dating world because every woman is told to wait like we're playing a game of hide-and-seek but he is not seeking. LOL. And seeing women try to understand healthy relationships and boundaries with men. In addition to all of those bold topics, there is a whole slew of other topics written in my journal I probably should refer to more.

And so it became very clear how very little talk there is about the real-life struggles of a woman, let alone a Christian woman in love with Jesus and in church. We show up with our walls up, our hearts guarded and our strong face on. Not intentionally to force people out but because we have been taught to. We have done this for so long. We have been strong for so long.

So when God said "create the trusted space" it didn't take long for me to say YES GOD.

In August of 2017 nine of us gathered in a super cute rustic-style cafe, in Downtown San Diego to kick off Table Talks San Diego.

The nine who gathered, were not friends from the same circles and in fact, not even the same church. We gathered around a farm style table on an outdoor patio, speaking up on our expectations of this space and eager to see what God would do with it here and what He would make of us while we gathered.

One Saturday a month we would gather - often times, in different places and a different set of women and still, each Talk was more amazing than we remembered the previous month to be.

But a couple months ago (fast forward to 2019), after nearly two years gathering, God started speaking about its conclusion. At first I dismissed it as a possible excuse to sleep in on Saturdays (because when you wake up before 4am throughout the week this is a legit thought). But He kept speaking.

So one Tuesday morning I made the announcement for the conclusion of San Diego Table Talks and we gathered one last time a few weeks later (May 2019). It was powerful as always. This time I got to dissect the pieces and take hindsight of all that was erupted, ignited, discovered, unearthed and healed over the course of 17-months. The relationships that have developed and the answered prayers a lot of us are currently standing in right now. Incredibly thankful that I got the chance to be a part of so many womens birthing, unearthing, healing + self-discovery as we confessed, encouraged + cheered each other on.

I learned that in the same as it was to discern previous seasons of disappointment aftermath, or the awakening process after healing or the stepping back to step out, was the same posture I had to remain in to understand what God was saying about this season of Table Talks in San Diego. And it was sad. So often times I have no idea what God is doing, I just know I cant afford to say no.

But He is so utterly good. I would have missed it, had I ignored His first prompting for conclusion. I never want to go before Him and He shows me all the things that could have been. I don't know if thats heaven's protocol but in the event that it is, I want to make sure that in my living and in my recapping, regret from missed assignments is not one of them.

The morning after the announcement of the final San Diego talk, I woke up earlier than my alarm clock to, “now take [it] wherever you go.”

And so I will.

And I am. I did.

Table Talks NYC (Brooklyn, NY) was planned and confirmed by the end of that same week: The location, the invite and the details. And the following week, God tugged on 20 women’s hearts to attend. And I was baffled. Like beyond amazed. Not surprised but in awe.

How do I get to do this with you, God?

Every ending is a new beginning.

I don't know if/when Table Talks San Diego will take place again but wherever He sets these feet to travel, will be a trusted place for women to gather for dialogue on some of the hard topics of life, the unspoken struggles of our hearts desires, and the discovery of hidden bits of gold that we have yet to discover just by speaking in encouraging spaces meant for more freedom and healing.

In the same breath, I have been trying to be intentional in my own private relationships and the friendships I have beyond large gatherings - from inner circle and beyond. My prayer is to be a friend to those in my life as The Holy Spirit is to me -- not that I would be their guide or source but to always be more like Him to every person God connects my dots with. May my relationships be evident trusted spaces that reflect what Table Talks is and is becoming in public spaces.

The process is continous, the prayer always fervent. I am so encouraged and so excited.

to GOLD + GLORY, LW

ps. TABLE TALKS has officially been added to my website. Be sure to check it out. www.LAURYNEWASAN.COM/TABLETALKS

"Table Talks is one of those things that when you hear about it,  maybe you’re first response is to shy away. But then you’re drawn to it, like a magnetic pull.

Deep down you feel like you need to attend and so you show up. I’m glad I showed up.

As we all started to share, I could literally feel the shift in the room of the Holy Spirits presence. We laughed together, we cried together, encouraged and educated each other and prayed for one another. Growth happened that morning, so did healing. I’m so glad I went and cannot wait until the next one. 

-Kimberly S // Table Talks NYC

Table Talks was exceptional. From the worship to the encouraging conversation it was a blessing to be apart of. Lauryne has such a heart for Christ. I’m so glad God is able to use her in such a mighty way. Table talks definitely opened up the door to healing. I hope Lauryne returns to New York for a Table Talks part two. "

- Melanie P. // Table Talks NYC

For more information or to host one in your area, please email "Table Talks" to writeme@laurynewasan.com

What Looked Like Isolation, Was Quite The Opposite

I slightly slid away from blogging unintentionally, for the last year. I didn’t realize the profundity of what God was stripping from me and taking me into, but it has been refreshing to look back at the pieces and how he brought them together. I wish I had blogged about the journey as it unfolded but the more disconnected I became, the closer I got and it was too good to tug on anything else. I also had nothing to classify this season or label what I was feeling so I left it for words to articulate its truth later.

This past year everything changed but nothing changed on paper and I received more without doing more.

If I can be honest, I have never been content with stagnancy and remaining the same. I always want more. And so this past season, I had reached that same point, this time knowing something needed to die for there to be life. And I sat on it for months making sure this was obedience and not a cop out. I wrestled with the doubt that often tries to plague my certainty of Him based off other peoples potential opinions. I often wondered what my life would amount to, by withdrawing and watching from the background. And often wondered if this season was the season to purchase a one-way ticket to where my daydreams landed and pack my bags of hope and dreams. I am still waiting.

I reference 2015/2016 a lot where I experienced the deepest disappointment that birthed the most awakening journey of self-discovery. It is often the place I mark my growth spurt. Every part of who I am right now is because of that season; I am sure of it. While it has been my most favorite season, this last one beats it by the multitude.

I have been rocking with Jesus for the last nine years. Nine months into my walk with Him, I was serving and invested in ministry. And remained in ministry until God said otherwise.

I had gotten to a place where there was this evident tugging to start withdrawing from my normal routine, unplug from the various places I found myself and rearrange the platforms I found purpose in.  But the same posture of obedience that said YES to being committed, would have to be the same posture of obedience to saying YES to walking away. And so after months of certainty of God’s voice, I had a conversation about stepping down for an unknown duration of time.

That one conversation in obedience led to the rest; things coming to a halt and drawing to a close without having to insinuate a thing to anyone, both in ministry and relationships.

And there I was, completely unplugged from several of the things that occupied my time and where my heart laid in joy, wondering what God was making of my life while also praying this was not going to last long. haha.

And so the unraveling began.

At first I did nothing but sleep unapologetically.

My phone started to slowly become silent of phone calls and texts.

I would then try to strategically add things to my agenda that "I could do now because I have more time."

The familiarity of daily routines and weekly schedules were now unwinding.

And the redundancy of life was starting to become the exact opposite.

But the more I was drawing into rest and silence, the more I realized how uncommon this was.

God ever ask you to do something that no one else is doing? This is my life always. I can hardly get to a place of comparison because it never looks the same. Either I sit in "are you sure God because there aint nobody else about this life" or "ugh. what If I am hearing wrong!?"

But this resounding peace settled the "what if's" as always and the longer I kept following His footsteps, the more confirming it was that He had brought me to the very places He needed me to reside in.

“So you’re just going to stay in a season of isolation?”

I couldn’t have just been a season of rest, it had to be isolation.

I couldn’t have been in a place of self-discovery, it had to be selfish.

I couldn’t have been positioning someone else to rise up, it had to be something else.

Too many times I had to hold back the rolling eye emoji.

We like to give everything a title. Nothing ever is just what it is.

We like titles and labels - it gives us security and a safe place to nestle our logic into. We do it to ourselves and then project it onto others. I was "forced" to learn to be comfortable with it regardless of how others wanted to label my life based on their viewpoint from where they stood in my life. I'll be honest, it can be annoying to have people in your ear about what they think they know is best for you. Especially when you know they're giving you advice based on their mindset and past experience, and not what they received in prayer for you. I am not saying dismiss everything everyone says, I am saying be wise in who you choose to receive from. And understand, we're all trying to figure it out.

But in the midst of all of this, God had asked me, "If I strip away all that you're called to do, even if it's good, even if its what you're purposed for, would you be completely confident and content because you know your identity in me?"

If you're not leading worship, do you know you're called to worship?

If you're not surrounded by a swarm of friendships, do you know you're a good friend and purposed for connection?

If you're not leading a ministry, a group of women, a conversation or a life group, do you still know you're a leader?

God was taking me through this crazy journey to know exactly who I am without the fluff, without recognition and away from the crowd. Often times it felt lonely but other times it was refreshing.

This was the season I learned that not only are a lot of roads less traveled, but not every significant road is crowded.

I learned that who I am wholly in Him is not in what He calls me to, what He has purposed me for, how often I am serving in ministry, if I am available at church or even by how many people stay rockin with me.

Filling our plates, consuming our minds, maxing out our days in exhaustion is dangerous. Even if it brings joy. Too many of us are submerged in the great things we do - the work of the ministry, Kingdom life, and all of the above - but what is alarming, is if it were removed from us, many of us would be in an identity crisis. Straight up.

Too many of us are esteemed by our title or reassured/affirmed in our position.

Now I am not encouraging anyone to dismantle and leave but I am challenging each of us to reflect on where we place our identity in. And to be honest with ourselves. If you find yourself wrestling the thought of giving something up, you may be in a place of false worship and allowing something to be an idol (anything that takes God's place in your life). I had to learn this the hard way perhaps, to warn some people who are fighting for their identity based on the title of leadership, their place in ministry, how visible your gifting is, and how well God uses you. Sidenote: Rude awakening bro/sis, God can use any willing person to get His will done - any willing person void of character, in disobedience, and barely walking with God. Sometimes we base Gods ability to use us as the standard of how well we're doing. Nope and nope.

And to be honest, if you have a hard time withdrawing for rest, you might be headed for burn out.

Now let me say this. This also applies to life "outside" of church. Your life as a parent, your workout regime, your summer body diet, your workplace, relationship, etc. Some of these things we often find our identity in. The same applies here too, bro/sis. I am not saying forfeit your workout goals, I am saying watch what you prioritize. I am not saying don't make better food choices, I am saying if you're bound by a diet for perfection and the 6-pack, check your heart.

The silent secret place and the seasons drawn for abiding in rest, is not for the weak.

Most of us are wrapped up in the fear of missing out, fear of being forgotten or believing lies about weak vessels being kept away from serving.

God had to get me in to a place of rest where I could rest confidently in my identity in Him. And it has propelled a new level of self-discovery while peeling the layers of myself to find Him even more at my core.

Why are so we afraid of not being used rather than being more concerned with being more effective?

Why are we afraid of missing out or being left out?

Why do we desire to be SEEN more than letting Him be seen even it is without us?

We've got it twisted.

The hiding place and the strip club (stripping of titles, labels and platforms), is where I finally learned how my heart can beat for Jesus without having to be exhausted. And I have really loved being able to slip in and out of service without being recognized.

And have loved watchingYOU rise up in places I once occupied.

What is absolutely encouraging is realizing that disobedience not only would have easily robbed me of what God wanted me to discover but it would have occupied a place meant for someone else to rise up and be stretched in Him.

There is room for all of us but some places and positions are for seasons and in timing. I am glad I listened. I wouldn't have wanted to miss this place with Him. And there is power in sometimes passing the torch on to ignite a new flame in the next person.

It is a beautiful thing I wish you won't miss out on with Him.

to GOLD & GLORY,

LW

TABLE TALKS + COFFEE + STUFF

[from the archives, dated September 8, 2017]

When God impressed upon my heart to be the solution to the problems I was recognizing, I knew He would start to prompt me to birth the very things I needed/wanted -- what I wanted to receive, be ready to give. Similar to, if I wanted to connect in community that meant I would need to go + connect in community. It meant I wasn't going to wait for someone to ask me, invite me, talk to me first, connect with me first, or tell me which community, it meant going + finding it. Or, just starting a place for community.

In my reflection-spaces, I started to realize this prevalent + vivid commonality among the people around me, especially women. It was this: women have been taught to mute their voice, silence their emotions, ignore their feelings + disregard the doubts + uncertainties because well, "you're a woman of God, you shouldn't be this way." I even caught myself saying it over myself a few times while I sifted through the thoughts that raged war against me + as I tried to wrap my noggin around what-if's + truths, like sifting flour. 

So we talked about it a bit + then some. Sometimes it is about allowing yourself to process but disciplining yourself to recover quick enough so that you don't remain there. I think the "recover quick enough" push is our first instinct but we just don't realize the importance of processing  + allowing someone the freedom to process through the hurt -- the "release + vent, it's okay" kind of posture.

And we all do it. It was a commonality not just with women who were just getting to know Jesus in the church but for women across the board. There was a hole somewhere. And as I began to pray for the eyes to see those empty spaces + gaps, I wanted to find a way to bridge the gap of silence. So I did.

The Saturday we decided to launch TABLE TALKS, I arrived with great expectancy for God to just show up + wreck our entire lives. But I didn't know breakthrough would be like that; I didn't know fellowship would be like that; I didn't know connection would be like that; I didn't know that women who weren't already in community together would connect like that. And though there was no official agenda for the morning, I didn't think it would be like that. 

Nine of us gathered together at a cute coffee shop (we like cute + we also love coffee) where metered-downtown parking could have easily discouraged us all to turn away. For the entire two hours we stood on "I am engaged in this moment because I am here for you" + postured ourselves on "I am with you even if I have no idea what you're going through -- I am with you." No one  had to break down the rules or point out what we all were going to make this apace to be, we sat down + just knew. And I knew at that moment, God already had the details written out + He hand picked those who needed to be there. And He is going to continue to do so each month.

I walked away from that discussion, completely in awe of God (even more). I would love to share specifics + rave about the topics of discussion but then it would BLOG TALKS (heheh). You'll just have to find a way to us + join us. 

Looking forward to our next chat + coffee session together (next Saturday yay!)

Will you be joining us next Saturday? If you're not in San Diego, do you have something like this in your area -- where? I want to know! Let me know in the comments below :) (You can remain annonymous if you'd like)